Soon after I awoke, I was alone. Alone and in the oddly joyful realization of the absolution of being alone.

When the thought came into my head to find a familiar face to waste time with, and I realized there was none, I giggled for minutes. Free, finally, I am free from the tyranny of old high school friendships and the often awkward sex with closeted married men. Alone, old, grumpy, and fucking adoring it.

That being said, realization also struck that I am a spoiled, stunted, child of a man. I've never learned how to drive, so if I wanted sustenance while he was gone, I would have to walk to get it. It brought me to tears to just look at the door and think about walking out it with no one to hide behind. I stared blankly at the udon that was here, and became nervous; whether it was over the prospect of having to cook or having to actually eat it by myself, I'm unsure. When he texts me, just order a pizza, I have to remind him that my phone doesn't call out because I hate talking to people. He said he would call and order, so I decided the only sane thing to do would be hide under the sheets and pretend I wasn't there.

Hot steam and water did little to soothe my anxious thoughts. Instead I sat nude on the floor of the tub until the water ran cold, the pulsating ruminations sitting like an uncomfortable, unwelcome stranger.

Fuck, I don't even know how to chase the ghosts away on my own. And all this time I thought it was me who took care of him.

I was told to recreate myself here, and grow some fucking testicles. Well, I suppose I still have a long way to go before my anxiety and paranoia is just a lingering, nagging queasiness. Until then, I think I'm okay hiding under the bed like the spoiled little fairy tale monster I am.

Destroy Once Done